In my work as a counsellor, I’ve heard a variation of this myth too many times to count: “I’m just too sensitive”, “I’ve always been too sensitive”.  When I hear this telltale phrase, I can’t help but smile.  These clients are my Kin, and I know two things immediately: I will come to adore the beautiful, sensitive and vulnerable soul sitting across from me, and I can help them.  Some present with anxiety or depression, most struggle with insomnia and a few have resorted to anger, alcohol or other substances to numb the discomfort.  But no matter how they come to arrive, things are about to transform if they are open to trying something radically different.

Sensitivity may seem like a curse to some, and like a double-edged sword to others.  There are books that suggest how to better cope as a Highly Sensitive Person that have tips on avoiding fluorescent lighting, strong perfumes, loud noises and large crowds.  These are things that rattle the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) indeed, particularly when we are drained physically, emotionally, socially and spiritually.  Being a run down, highly sensitive person in an overwhelming and chaotic situation can be a special sort of torture.

But I’m here to tell you that it is a blessing, an absolute gift that serves us from early childhood throughout the duration of our lives. It enhances our interactions with others and with the world around us. For one moment here, just think about all of the times that your heightened sensitivity has kept you safe, or salvaged a situation. How many people are fortunate enough to manage a situation after sensing even a slight shift in energy -before it escalates into a full-out crisis?  How many times have we been attuned to another, and able to recognize that something has just impacted them in a way that had not been intended? And outside of the relational realm, how many times have we experienced the sort of joy, peace and contentment that makes it seem as if our hearts may just explode in gratitude from something as simple as witnessing the sun rise?

The real question is how often are we as sensitive to our own needs, as we are the needs of those around us, or our jobs, responsibilities and other commitments? The common answer among the people that end up sitting across from me for support is “not often enough”. The beautiful thing here is that if we are capable of great compassion with others, then we are equally capable of cultivating that same level of compassion for ourselves. Let me repeat that, because it’s important: if we are capable of great compassion with others, then we are equally capable of cultivating that same level of compassion for ourselves.

 
Using a biopsychosocial/spiritual model, I can do a holistic assessment to discover which aspects of a person’s overall health they tend to well, and which have been neglected. In doing this assessment, another fundamental truth presents: we are born with everything we need to thrive as a human being.  As babies and children we instinctively knew the importance of living in the present moment, and did so with zest! And often, we used to engage in activities that kept our buckets full... but they gradually slipped away, and we forgot how much we loved them. I often refer to this knowing as our internal divine, or Buddha nature (with Buddha meaning “awakened one”).  The great news is that when someone comes in for counselling, the process of awakening has already begun, and that deep and intuitive knowing part of them has already nudged them forward to seek out growth and transformation. The goal in creating a Wellness Plan based on the holistic assessment is to restore balance, shake off the slumber and awaken from autopilot. The hope is that our tunnel vision might expand and we will feel our cups overflowing with gratitude and joy once again. And here is how to do it...

We have a long discussion and exploration of how you are tending to your physical health, mental/emotional health, social health, spiritual health and whether you feel there is any other aspect of your life that needs more care and attention. We collaboratively come up with a menu of suggestions for enhancing any of the above areas that may seem out of balance. I assign home practice and provide resources and materials for tending to these aspects of your wellness and we review progress over the following weeks. I practice what I promote as well. I start off my day with a ritual of meditation, smudging, yoga and reading. I constantly review my own journey and make adaptations whenever I recognize that there has been a shift in my own life that has left my own self-care unbalanced. My cup overflows and my life is deeply entrenched in abundance. I am no longer thrown off balance by storms in my own life and find that I remain steady and at peace in the midst of change. I value my own sensitivity and capacity to have compassion for others, even if their own struggling causes them to react in ways that are harsh or unkind. I see this suffering and recognize a sensitive soul that is temporarily out of balance... but even in witnessing this struggle I smile inwardly because I know that this too shall pass, as soon as the sacred and knowing inner-self decides it is time to create change.

Sending out sincere warmth and gratitude for your sensitive soul

-Kristen

The top four reasons that people come to see me for counselling are stress, anxiety, depression and grief. It has been said that anxiety is the result of focusing one's attention o the future, while depression is the natural result of dwelling on the past. Contentment and mental health exist only in the present moment. Mindfulness is the act of deliberately placing our attention on the present moment, as it is unfolding in a gentle and non-judgmental way. The benefits of Mindfulness on overall health and well-being are well documented, but I often have people look at me sideways when I ask if they would consider trying it out. 

Understandably, individuals experiencing a great deal of anxiety or panic are reluctant to take on any more items to place on the already overwhelming "to-do" list. Clients with depression want to have their sadness go away and are not very keen about the idea of focusing their attention towards the experience of depression (body aches, sad feelings, lack of energy). Similarly, the most common response to grief and loss is to try to escape the sorrow and pain in some manner.  Mindfulness is not about relaxation, or avoiding pain, and given our natural preference to seek out pleasure and side-step suffering, it might be hard to wrap one's mind around why it might be a good idea to just embrace the present experience in a curious way no matter how uncomfortable it may be. There is a paradox here in that while formal meditation practice helps us learn to live with discomfort, and to accept reality instead f fighting it, which ultimately decreases our distress response to the discomfort and allows us to cope in a more intentional and balanced way. 

Formal practice involves dedicating a certain amount of time to practice meditation on a regular basis. It has been suggested that daily 30-40 minute sits are most beneficial for creating lasting changes in our perception. Formal practice is not for the faint of heart! It IS WORK because it is training the brain to just notice what arises as we repeatedly harness our wandering thoughts and gently guide them back to the experience of the present moment. We are used to being reactive, to jumping up when we remember the milk was left out on the counter, or to adjust our bodies and stretch when we become aware of a twinge of tension. Formal meditation asks us to notice these thoughts, sensations and urges in a gentle and curious way, without moving to fix it, and then to return the attention to the breath. (Note- This is a generalization, formal practice is not always done sitting, the object of attention doesn't always have to be the breath, but this is the most common form of meditation used for "formal practice"). This is often what clients think I might be suggesting when we begin to explore how mindfulness might ultimately assist them in overcoming anxiety, stress, depression or grief. 

Thankfully, mindfulness can be brought to any activity in daily life. This intentional awareness and focus on the present moment while moving through one's activities and tasks in life is known as "informal practice". And this is a great place to start. This sort of attention to the experience of one's life can be done while noticing the comforting warmth of water while washing our hands, the way that our mouths water as we slice and smell a vegetable, the pleasure and release experienced while experiencing a massage, or the sense of relief one may feel while walking down a forest path and noticing the smells, sounds and sights of nature in a deliberate way. Being in the present moment has a profound ability to ground us, and it is actually quite natural for us to be mindful of the pleasant experiences in life. The tricky part is to remember to do it! Mindfulness practice does not need to be invasive or time-consuming in any way. It can be done at work, while driving, while walking, while talking or while eating. It can even be done while laying in bed listening to a guided meditation for sleep (see links on resources page).

The clients that do try these practices often report an overall reduction in stress and increase in their felt sense of well-being. They walk into the office with their shoulders relaxed and smile more easily. They begin to report joy in everyday happenings and sometimes describe things that used to seem ordinary or neutral as fascinating and joyful. This is what is known as embracing the Beginners Mind, we are all quite skilled at this as toddlers, babies and children, we just seem to temporarily forget how. Ultimately, my job as a counsellor is not to overload you with more to do, and formal meditation is not for everyone. However, a gentle exploration into learning how to remain present seems to cultivate change and ultimately, relief.  And I am more than happy to work with you to explore the things that work best for you.

If you take a DEEP BREATH HERE and pause for a moment to consider your thoughts, (ANOTHER DEEP BREATH)....  mind state, (BREATH)....  posture (BREATH)... and level of physical comfort... You can say that you just read this last paragraph mindfully, and you are already on your path to feeling better.

I'd love to hear from others what it has been like to bring mindful attention to some of the "ordinary" moments, activities or tasks in your life, and what you noticed. 

Feel free to comment and share openly Dear Ones!

I can’t think of a better way to start sharing with you than by posting a link to the first online article that captured my undivided attention and shook me out of a rut. This profound and inspirational read introduced me to Elephant Journal for the first time and my life has been forever enriched as a result. Why was I so impacted by this article? If I were to boil it down to one word it would be timing.

I stumbled upon this article on a day that my world had imploded. I had reached my upper limit for coping and no longer had the resources to “keep it together” given the mountain of tragedies that had aligned to create the perfect storm. This happens to all of us at some point. No matter how much we prepare, self-care, learn or practice, there will always be something that comes along that will take the wind out of our sails and leave us in a puddle on the ground. After having a good long cry on one such day, I reached to my computer for a distraction, and by some miracle, I noticed a friend had posted a link to an article called “Why Lying Broken in a Pile on Your Bedroom Floor is a Good Idea” by Julie (JC) Peters. Given that I had just peeled myself up off my bedroom floor, I felt that I was being sent a sign from the universe, yet I was still pessimistic that my mind would be changed about my current state of affairs as I clicked on the link. 

Her intro had my full attention “You know that feeling when you have just gone through a breakup, or lost your job, and everything is terrible and terrifying and you don’t know what to do, and you find yourself crying in a pile on your bedroom floor, barely able to remember how to use the phone, desperately looking for some sign of God in old letters, or your Facebook newsfeed or on Glee, finding nothing there to comfort you?”

Yes! I did know that feeling. And I was certainly not a fan. Would this article help me figure out a way back to being whole? I remember conflicting feelings of hope and doubt as I read on. I wasn’t sure there would be any solutions to ridding myself of the anxiety, grief, depression and fear that had enveloped me, but I had nothing to lose by reading on.

Peters went on to describe a Goddess named Akhilandeshvari from Hindu mythology, whose name (in Sanskrit) means “The Goddess of Never Not Broken”.  She explained:

“Akhilanda derives her power from being broken: in flux, pulling herself apart, living in different, constant selves at the same time, from never becoming a whole that has limitations.”

Power from being in a state of change? It was hard to wrap my mind around this. We all know that change is said to be the only constant in life, yet I didn’t think I was alone in my struggle to accept change when everything suddenly seems so unpredictable.  The illusion of control is suddenly shattered by unexpected events, and this is a scary place to be. I really didn’t know how to handle so much change in a graceful manner, as clearly indicated by my ragged post-cry breathing. As it turns out, Akhilanda had the answer:
 
“... now you get to make a choice. In pieces, in a pile on the floor, with no idea how to go forward, your expectations of the future are meaningless. Your stories about the past do not apply. You are in flux, you are changing, you are flowing in a new way, and this is an incredibly powerful opportunity to become new again: to choose how you want to put yourself back together.”

This is when a small seed was planted into my heart.  I started to see the freedom of starting over, of rebuilding my life, career, home and family in a fresh new way. I had an image in my mind of a blank canvas in front of me. I had lost most of the carefully arranged pieces that had been steadily leading me to a vision that no longer applied. But I still had some of the important pieces, and some new ones too. My suffering came from my attachment to that old vision, and from the grieving I needed to do in order to let go of it. But I began to notice a sliver of hope and even excitement at the thought of creating something new.

I knew I had more grieving to do and more fear to face before this transition would be over, but I was grateful to have been pulled out of my despair for long enough to realize that my life was not over, it was just going to be different. This is also the first time I even considered that this different life might be even better than anything I had previously imagined. These ideas transformed my mood from a state of “giving up” to a state of surrender and faith that more would be revealed and the possibilities were endless.

I took this final quote below and taped it to my mirror:

“So now is the time, this time of confusion and brokenness and fear and sadness, to get up on that fear, ride it down to the river, dip into the waves, and let yourself break. Become a prism. All the places where you’ve shattered can now reflect light and colour where there was none. Now is the time to become something new, to choose a new whole.”

This was a few years ago, and I am happy to report that my path has unfolded in front of me in a way that exceeds any and all expectations I had built before that day I found myself in a heap on the floor. I have come to believe that something greater than me will continue to guide me in directions that I never would have been open to following if I remained stuck in my desire to force a certain outcome. I am living life differently and although I still feel an uncomfortable surge of fear before I leap, I take risks and make difficult choices to get un-stuck when I realize I am falling into unhealthy routines. I don’t always know where this will take me, but I am looking forward to the journey. I also take comfort in the fact that if I take a wrong turn, I can always make another change.

To read the original article, click here

Feel free to comment and share openly Dear Ones!

I have a confession to make about my morning self-care ritual. As a counsellor, a helper and a fellow human being, I've learned to do all sorts of great things to nourish myself upon waking. When people ask, I am happy to share that smudging, praying, meditation and yoga have become part of my daily (or nearly daily) ritual.  I don't mind admitting this because these activities make a big difference in decreasing my overall stress levels, in reducing anxiety and in warding off low moods. I find it easy to encourage others to tap into these (or their own) natural and healthy resources  in order to increase overall well-being. I am hugely supportive of all attempts to create or adhere to personal and meaningful traditions, rituals and habits that seek to bring about positive change and facilitate personal growth. But I'm reluctant to tell people about the other source of my daily inspiration... social media.  I feel as if I may be shunned by all those who warn against the dangers of "screen time", including a number of my colleagues. Even a number of my closest friends have sworn of Facebook because they just "don't want to hear people complaining or being fake". I'm often surprised when I hear these assertions because this is not MY experience at all. I sincerely believe the reason for that is because I am very selective of the sort of energy I surround myself with both in the real world, and online with the friends, groups, journals and pages I decide to have on my newsfeed. 

So here is my dirty little secret, I give myself 10-15 minutes before I even get out of bed most days to scroll through my newsfeed and find an article that resonates, touches my heart and moves me into my morning practice. I think I'm pretty fortunate to have profound wisdom, hope, humour and tools for leading a healthier, more balanced life at my fingertips upon opening my eyes.  Once I find one of these glorious nuggets of sacred knowledge, I am suddenly ready to throw off the covers and hit my meditation cushion. I was speaking with a colleague last week who insisted "you just need to blog for your clients".  I couldn't think of what to write, then I found myself facing  a dilemma a couple of days later when I came across one of these social media articles and thought "Now this is something I want to share! This is something worth discussing!"  Like everyone else, I fall into moments of self-doubt and fear of judgement.  I went back-and-forth on whether or not I would expose myself as a screen-loving, social media supporting therapist by posting quotes and links to articles that move me found through (gasp!) Facebook.  After a few more consecutive mornings of  indulging in  my regular routine, I decided to throw caution to the wind. I was resolved to join the digital world and to link my clients/readers to the small articles that might provide a spark of inspiration . Even more importantly, I want to create another space for community (sangha), for discussion and for growth.

This is an important part of my self-care ritual, and my greatest hope is to offer all of you the largest possible selection of tools and resources to combat anxiety, grief, depression, fear, insecurity, low self-worth, shame, relationship conflict or anything else the world tends to throw at you. I have somehow managed to tap into to a community of beautiful human beings that share powerful messages and I hope to connect you to these people, these groups, and these perspective-changing teachings!  This will be the basis of my blog, and yes I may suggest a few more minutes of screen time to you, if you are willing to set some healthy boundaries in your newsfeed first :)

Feel free to comment, discuss and share this or any other post as much as you like, and welcome to the Restorative Sangha Dear Ones!

-Kristen